Flag of Life
Dear Rykelan,
I can’t believe it’s already been two months since you died. Two months since that awful man killed you. How has it been so long already?
How has it been FOUR months since I last hugged you and you were able to hug me back? Four months since our last bedtime where I read you a story, all snuggled in tight. I recently found a video of me reading to you (Not Quite Narwhal), where you rested your head on my knee and turned the pages for me while eating Kix cereal out of a little cup. Afterward, I gave you so many hugs. You asked for a little hug then a big hug then a GIANT hug. You always wanted one extra hug when I made it to the door to leave.
There’s still so much we don’t know about what happened to you.
The medical examiner hasn’t released his final report yet*.
The police haven’t arrested anyone yet*.
I still don’t know what exactly DSS knew about that man’s criminal record, whether they knew he served time in 2019 for abusing a three-year-old.
I still wish there was something else I could have done to keep you safe, even though I logically know I did everything I could. I know I loved you the very best I could every moment of every day since you were carried through my front door.
One of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t hug you the last time I saw you. I had to drop you off in such a rush, and I thought I’d see you again in just a couple weeks. I didn’t want to make it awkward and call you back out of the house after you’d gone in.
I wish I’d let it be awkward. I wish I’d asked you to come back out so I could hug you tight and kiss your face and tell you how much I love you.
Even though I believe that your spirit knows how deeply you were loved and wanted, I’m sorry that you had any reason to question that during your final two months on this planet. It hurts so much to imagine how confused you must have felt those final weeks when Daddy and I weren’t there. When you were forced to live with a man who abused and then ultimately killed you.
I’m sorry I didn’t fight harder. I’m sorry for every single second you felt abandoned and alone.
I’m sorry I didn’t formally confirm whether our lawyer had seen that man’s background check. I assumed she did because she said she would look into him. I trusted instead of confirming. I’m so, so sorry, baby.
You did nothing wrong. You were such an amazing boy. You didn’t deserve any of the horrible things that happened to you. No child deserves that, but especially you. There are so many people who love you. Daddy and I loved you. We wanted forever with you. There was no reason for you to live with a monster.
I can’t change what happened, but I’m doing what I can to change things so this doesn’t happen to someone else. I don’t know every step. I don’t know how long it’ll take. But I do know that I’ll never give up. That something will change, and someday a child in a situation like yours will get to stay with the loving foster parents who raised them instead of going to a violent stranger simply because they share DNA.
And in the meantime, three people live better lives because of your heart and kidneys. Their families have additional hope and joy they didn’t have before.
The world is better because you existed.
Love you forever,
Mom
PS - The Finger Lakes Donor Recovery Network flew the “Donate Life” flag last week for 24-hours specifically in your honor. Dad and I got to raise the flag for you, and it was a beautiful little ceremony.
* One day after posting this update (July 30, 2024), Joshua Emmons was arrested and charged with 1st degree manslaughter & endangering the welfare of a child. Huge appreciation to the Medical Examiner for such thorough review of this case.
